Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'ARRRRGHHH!'
Not to be confused with the later Hammer film of the same title,
Prehistoric Women sets out its historical credentials from the first.
'Not so very long ago, an explorer in a wild tropic jungle found evidence which tells this story.'
It's vitally important to remember that this story is based on historical evidence –
this really happened.
'He is fascinated by the wonder of the first torch'
Now, when you set a film in prehistoric times you have three choices,
you can have them speak English as in Teenage Caveman.
'No one wants to take the risks that a better life demands,'
'Every woman points to a man other than their own to do the dying.'
There's nothing wrong with that, when we watch films set in ancient Rome we don't expect them to speak Latin.
You can have them speak their own language as in One Million Years BC.
'Nnka Naka Naka'
and just leave it to audience interpretation, like a silent film.
Or you can have narration.
'This is Tigri – you've met her before'
That's fine, unless you're narrating things we can clearly see.
'Suddenly Og falls unconscious'
or things we should have seen.
'Guadi has successfully captured two of the women and is carrying them off'
You didn't want to watch that did you? It was all action.
'Knocked to the ground, the infuriated, desperate Tana throws a rock at the leader, felling him.'
Narration can be inadvertently amusing.
'But has been mortally hurt and dies with Guadi's name on her lips '
'Guadi'
Or just plain baffling.
'Strangely enough the swan dive was invented before the swan.'
The swan was invented a year later when someone decided to create a luxury goose.
It's unnecessary – this is not a complicated story.
A tribe of women are looking for men.
'The next morning the 6 determined women set forth on their mission accompanied by one of their panthers.'
There is a reason for there being no men in their tribe involving a monster called Guadi.
'Savage, merciless, possessed of Herculean strength'
and a nasty cough.
#cough cough COUGH!#
The women find men hunting.
'They're hunting food for their cave dwelling tribe.'
This tiger will make a great meal. Suddenly...
'Engor and his tribesmen are amazed to see that they've been attacked by members of the weaker sex'
You're watching a movie from the 1950s
'It seems that women were women those days too'.
And narrators were condescending.
There'll be a catfight next.
For a while the women are on top.
'Tigri shakes her head at the stupidity of man.'
Hands up who thinks this situation is likely to continue.
'Time is running out for the male captives'
Are they going to be sacrificed?
'The women pick up the clubs and demonstrate that in their homes they will be the master'
Worse, they're going to be hen-pecked.
'And the women dance as Engor and the men look on with mixed emotions'
I mean they're fit but we can't have them running things
'And so the tables are turned'
The men are back in charge.
'And civilisation progresses another step'
Now I'm being a little hard here, the ending definitely suggests that all women are better off married,
but it doesn't overtly reinforce male dominance,
'The once proud, fiery leader of the tribe, meekly obeys'
I mean it's not brilliant, but nor is it Queen of Outer Space.
'The dominant male is happy and contented.
Women wait on him as though he were a king'
But, even putting aside its stereotypical view of women and rubbish storytelling.
'A handsome male captive makes his appearance and suddenly there's trouble'
The film has issues of its own, not least that insistence on historical validity.
'This is Tule'
She's just been to the hairdressers.
Archaeologists tell us that even most primitive of cave dwellers would have had access to a rudimentary salon.
And male grooming is important too.
'The men sit idly while Rueg, who seems to have a fetish for being clean-shaven,
'is scraping his cheek with a sharp-edged stone'
Rueg also has a fetish for his cheeks being raw and bloody.
Then there's the elephant chase.
Aybody else hear the Benny Hill music?
And it's not just speeded up elephants that threaten these people.
'It's Korax, the flying dragon, the scourge of the skies'
That's a pelican. And I'm sure you'll be safe if you can stay on your feet.
It was all going so well.
So well the eternal battle for supremacy between woman and man was solved not through the club but through romance
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This is a film that really didn't need the narration that it's got,
but are there any films that are so massively confusing you think they actually require narration that they don't have.
Let us know in the comments below.
For more infomation >> 6/25/18 12:13 PM (5898 S Albion Ct, Greenwood Village, CO 80121, USA) - Duration: 14:59. 
For more infomation >> 6/25/18 11:58 AM (5850 S Albion Ct, Greenwood Village, CO 80121, USA) - Duration: 14:58. 
For more infomation >> Bill Clinton's Trouble With Women Took A Big Time Turn For The Worse - Duration: 12:54. 
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