Hi guys!
It's Seigo & Bren,
but just me today!
Today, I want to talk about something about myself.
I am going to talk about how I felt before coming out.
About how my emotions were when I was in elementary, middle, and high school.
I'll briefly talk about how I felt during each of those times in my life.
If you ask me when I started to recognize my sexuality,
I started to realize I was kind of different from the other kids when I was in elementary school.
I think I was in about 5th grade.
The other kids,
and my friends,
started getting interested in girls
and they would start talking about girls bodies.
I realized I wasn't interested in their conversations at all!
That's when I first realized I was different.
My friends would talk about girls,
or they would start talking about sex with girls,
I couldn't go along with their conversations.
They didn't make me excited at all,
and I realized that I wasn't interested in girls at all.
I would tell them "Oh, I like them too!"
and put up the persona that I liked girls too.
Just so I could match their conversation and wouldn't be left out.
And that's when I was in 5th grade.
That's when I first started to feel like I was weird.
I liked girls when I was in elementary school,
but I didn't like them in a romantic way,
I just liked them as friends!
The other boys were starting to look at girls in a sexual way
but I really only wanted to be friends with them.
When I was in middle school,
the way I talked and the way I moved were a little feminine.
So people started calling me a faggot,
or calling me a girl,
or saying that I was girly.
I tend to get along better with girls, rather than boys.
I feel like I have more fun conversations when I talk with girls.
So I usually liked to spend a lot more time with my female friends instead of with my male friends.
So the boys would see that,
and they would call me a faggot
I went through a time like that in middle school.
It started in the first year of middle school.
I really hated it when they would call me a faggot!
On TV, there are people called 'Okama '(homo/faggot)
Those people are usually made fun of and bullied on TV.
It is not something you want to be called.
I didn't want people to think I was that kind of person.
I thought to myself "That's not me!"
But they would call me an okama anyway.
I hated that so much
and I would tell that that I am not an okama
I would say "I'm not interested in boys!!"
I tried to convince them that I wasn't gay.
And I started to build a fake version of myself in middle school.
I became really mindful of my gestures
and even thought I wanted to hang out with girls, and talk with girls,
but I tried my best to hang out with just boys instead.
I started to do these things.
People start going out in middle school.
I thought maybe I have to date a girl so that people wouldn't find out my secret.
There were times when I thought about that.
When I was in high school,
well, my middle school and high school were in 2 different places.
I said goodbye to my middle school friends,
and decided to make a new version of myself in high school.
I wanted to take the old me from middle school,
the me who was being called a faggot,
throw him away,
and start over as a brand new "me" in high school.
So when I started high school, I tried really hard to avoid using "feminine " words
and I was careful not to make "girly" gestures.
And I tried to shorten the amount of time I hung out with girls.
That's the game plan that I entered high school with.
It all went well at first.
My first year of high school turned out to be an all-boy class.
It wasn't an all boys school, but there were a lot of boys so my class happened to be all boys.
So my 1st year went by smoothly.
But in my 3rd and 4th years,
there were girls in my class,
and there were more opportunities to hang out with girls.
I can't help that I enjoy talking with girls,
so I started spending lot of time with girls again.
It wasn't quite as much as when I was in middle school,
but a few times,
I got called a faggot,
or they would say "You're a girl!"
That didn't happen a few times.
I would get so hurt when someone would say that to me.
It was very painful.
I would say "No! That's disgusting!"
"Stop kidding around!"
I said those things to protect myself.
I put up a wall to protect my heart.
I would say things like "No way! I'm no faggot!"
I would never say that in a million years now.
But back then
I was so afraid of people finding me out
and I didn't want people to hate me or think I was gross.
That's the only reason why I said those things.
If it were now, I would be able to say "This is me!!"
But when I was in school, I made the choice I made to protect myself.
I'm sure there are some people would say "No, this is who I am!"
I chose to use language like "Faggot", "Gay", "Disgusting" in order to protect myself.
When I was in university,
I don't remember any particularly stress-causing thing that happened to me.
Nothing comes to mind.
I had friends.
The one thing that I do regret,
is that when I was in university,
I couldn't bring myself to come out to my friends.
I really regret that.
In university, many of my friends were more grown up and had broader world views.
Looking back, I know that they would have been fine if I had told them.
At least I think they would have been.
If I think about the best time to come out,
It wasn't elementary, middle, or high school,
I think it was university.
After I graduated I worked for 1 year in Japan.
I graduated and started working right away at a company.
I wasn't able to come out to my coworkers then.
I was there for a whole year,
but I wasn't able to tell my sempais, coworkers, or manager about myself.
Looking back,
I realize just how much easier my life would have been if I had just told them up front.
If I had told them when I introduced myself,
or when they asked me "Do you have a girlfriend?"
if I had just responded with "I have a boyfriend!", my life would have been so much less stressful.
At the time, I was already dating Bren.
But I couldn't tell them anything about him.
So, I couldn't introduce Bren to my Sempais or coworkers.
I wanted to introduce him to them,
but all I could say was "I don't have a girlfriend."
I hated myself for that.
And I felt guilty towards Bren about it.
I kept thinking "Who am I trying to be?", and worked every day with a terrible feeling in my gut.
That's one experience I've had.
People tend to ask things like "Do you have a girlfriend?" when you first get to know them.
I would say "No, I don't." or "No, I'm not interested in dating right now.",
and that would complicate things.
After that it got harder and harder to tell them the truth.
So, I really think that I should have gotten it out of the way at the very start.
I think it would have made my life so much easier!
So, today I talked to you guys about my personal history!
Now I have already come out to my parents and my friends!
I think that Coming out is a really difficult thing to do.
I feel very free now that I have come out!
But if you ask me if coming out is something you absolutly must do,
I would tell you that that's another difficult subject.
In my personal opinion, I think either way is fine.
Let me tell you about one of my experiences.
Before coming out,
when I would talk with people, or with friends,
even with people I consider my best friends,
there was always a thin wall between us.
So, we would never have any deep conversations.
When I was talking with friends and the conversation would turn to a topic on love and relationships,
I would fall silent.
I didn't have any actual romantic experience.
They would say "Do you want to get married someday?"
and I would say "No, probably not."
What I was really thinking was "Yeah, when I find the right guy!"
But,
of course I couldn't say that.
All I could do was say "No, probably not."
So I would say things like that,
and I would constantly feel that wall between us.
After coming out, I finally saw that wall disappear!
Emotionally, I feel so relieved!
And, well,
There were some bad things that happened as a result of coming out.
There were some things that I had to wrestle with because I came out.
In America, there were issues with religion.
And in Japan there were cultural problems
So, there were some other problems that I dealt with.
After coming out.
Those are things that me, my partner,
our friends,
and others in this position understand.
There are times when we have no choice but to stand on the support of others, and fight!
It's not as if when you come out everything will suddenly be all easy and perfect.
There are some things that you risk when you come out.
There will be times after coming out when you really have to fight!
This time, I shared my experiences all the way from elementary school up until I started working in Japan.
I know that there are so many people who have had similar,
or maybe slightly different,
experiences to the ones I had.
I am sure that there are people who are thinking about coming out right now.
And I'm sure there are people who came out, but are dealing with yet another issue.
No matter what you fighting with, what you went through, or what you're going through now,
well,
the one thing I can tell you is
That me, and Bren,
and so many other people all over the world who support us,
people who stand with us,
I want you to never forget that!
When I was still a student,
I really thought I was all alone.
There were times when I was really lonely!
I would think "Why wasn't I born normal?"
"Why can't I just like girls?"
I would ask myself "Why?" over and over.
I started to hate my life because I wasn't "normal"
Even though they are few,
what I can say from my experiences
is that your life doesn't belong to anyone but yourself!
How your life is going to be is something that isn't up to anyone but you!
You and you alone.
Friends and family are of course very important,
they are important,
but the one who is going to live your life, and create your future, is you!
So if you are feeling weighed down in life,
I think that taking that first step for yourself is a really important thing.
This is something that is easy to say,
but what we want to say is
that me and Bren
even though it's just through our videos,
we are always standing with you and supporting you.
Just like how you always support us!
If we can, we want to support you through our videos.
Even if it's just a tiny bit!
Please remember that!
This turned out to be a longer video than usual!
If you want to share your stories, please leave a comment!
See you in our next video!
Bye bye!
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