- Everybody wants better relationships because
you and I both know, when your relationship
sucks, your life sucks.
But a ton of people have terrible relationships
and they don't know why.
And they're constantly fighting
and they're always in the argument mode, they're always
like thinking the other person isn't sufficient
isn't delivering for them, isn't happy for them,
isn't supportive enough.
And so you have all these people who have, like,
good people in their lives but their relationships suck.
And sometimes the relationship sucks with their family,
or their friends, or it can be their significant other.
And it's just like, it makes you want to tear your hair out.
So let me give you four ideas
that can actually help you improve your relationships,
nurturing deeper, better relationships with anybody, right.
Friends, family, or your significant other,
your partner, your lover.
So the first idea is, you never know a person
if you don't know their goals.
And if you don't know their goals,
you're never going to be a great friend.
You'll never be their great lover, their great supporter,
their great family member.
And it's weird, though, because most people
actually don't know other people's goals.
I'll ask family members, I'll say
what's your sister's goals?
And they're like, you know, she wants to be a dancer.
Okay, what kind of dancer?
When?
What does she want to do with that career?
Is it short term, is it long term?
Like, you have to really get into people's goals
to understand their heart.
And so that's what I want you to do
is if you want to be a great spouse to somebody,
you've got to re-engage and say hey,
what do you want at this stage of your life?
Because I know what you used to want
and then we had kids, but where are you at now?
And you gotta get that conversation with your partner
and say hey listen, I know we've been through
a couple of weird months where we just haven't really
felt each other out.
It's like, let's just do some personal development.
What do you really want to do right now
at this stage of your life?
Because you have to understand,
when I say this stage of your life, that's very specific.
Meaning a lot of people's goals change.
And it changes like every three months,
every year, every three years.
So if you haven't had the conversation
with the important people in your life recently
about what your goals are.
And about what their goals are.
Then I'm telling you, you're just skimming at the surface.
Cause if you don't support other people's dreams,
how can you ever have a deep relationship with them?
And if you don't share your dreams and your heart
and your desire with other people,
how can they possibly help you meet that hunger?
How can they possibly help you become the best version
of you if you haven't shared it?
So you also have to be very honest with them.
What's your real thoughts?
What's your real feelings?
What's your real dreams?
What do you really want at this stage of your life
with all the important people around you?
It's one of my favorite things to do with high performers
is say, okay, do all the people around you
know what you really want right now?
Are they clear on what your goals are?
Are they clear about how they can support that,
or how much you want them to be involved in it?
It's like, a lot of people start their own business
but they don't tell the other people around them
what that business is, what it requires,
how they'd love their support.
And so we all go it alone.
And isn't going it alone the opposite
of having healthy, supportive relationships?
So first thing you gotta do if you want better relationships
get to know other people's goals.
Second thing you gotta know and you have to share
is people's fears and your fears.
You have to know your spouse, your partner,
your friend's fears because if you don't know their fears
you don't really know them.
Cause isn't it true we're all kind of like
running around sometimes, feeling inadequate
or unworthy or undeserving.
Isn't it true we all have a bad day,
isn't it true we all doubt on ourselves.
Isn't it true sometimes our fears prevent us
from chasing our dreams.
That's part of life.
And if you don't know that part of the life of your partner
or your friend or your spouse or your kids,
do you really know them?
If you don't know what people are scared of,
you don't know their outer limits.
If you don't know what people are scared of, or fear,
you don't know what their real comfort zone is.
Meaning A, you can't make sure that they have
that comfort, that certainty, that stability with you.
And B, you can't help them grow.
And if you're in a relationship with somebody
who can't help you grow or you can't help them grow
they get bored with you, and they move on.
And a lot of relationships that could have been great end
because the people didn't realize
what either the goals were or what their fears were.
Because listen, you might have somebody who's
they're desperately afraid of losing you.
But they've never shared it.
And so they're running around this insecurity
in your relationship all the time
and you're never really getting to know that.
You really don't understand that.
So those nights out when you're late, they're having fears.
Those nights out when you don't respond to texts,
they're having fears.
Those times that you don't reply fast enough,
they start wondering things
and those fears grow into doubts about the relationship
or doubt about your character.
And all of a sudden you're fighting about stupid stuff.
And if you knew that they were worried about
those types of things, or fearful of those types of things
you could preempt those and say, hey listen,
I know this has been an issue for you before.
Or I know this is a concern.
But here's what's happening, here's what's going on.
Meaning once you know someone's fears,
you can over communicate, and you can
cut off those fears in advance.
And now they feel supported, and now they're not scared
in your relationship.
You have to know people's goals and their fears.
The third thing you gotta do is to create
unique, varied experiences.
You know, a lot of people in relationships
they just go through the motions.
Oh, let's go out to the movie,
oh let's go out to dinner.
And then they're out to movies and they're on the phone
or they're out to dinner and they're on their phone.
And they're not even paying attention to the other person
and trying to create magic.
But if you remember at the beginning of a relationship,
you really worked hard to do unique things.
Take someone to a nice restaurant,
to create an experience at the park or at the show.
You worked hard to set up flowers for them
or give them a nice card.
Like you were thinking about experiences.
Oh, I love you so much, let's go to Italy.
Let's go to France, someday let's go and swim with
the, you know, dolphins.
I mean, you had all these ideas for adventures
and unique experiences and then it turned into
Thursday night Netflix, four barrels of popcorn
and a barrel of wine.
And all of a sudden you're like
why don't we have the zest and the pop anymore?
Because you stopped creating experiences
that brought out that newness and that vibrancy
and that adventure and that growth together.
Like the most important thing in great relationships,
they do things together.
And this applies to your friends, too.
Like are you creating situations with your friends
where you go out on an adventure together?
I mean, when's the last time you really hung out
with your friends and you did something new?
Not the same old thing, something new.
When's the last time in your relationship, maybe,
your marriage or your partner,
did you really try to like craft something magical?
And often people, they'll realize
they didn't try to craft something magical in years.
And now they wonder why their marriage is in trouble.
They haven't tried to craft something magical in months
and they wonder why their boyfriend's disinterested.
You have to work hard in relationships.
You have to plan in relationships.
You have to make sure that that variety is there
and that experiences are forming a tighter bond.
Because listen, you can share your goals,
you can share your fears, you can talk all day
you can have great dates
but if you're not having new experiences together
suddenly you get bored with each other
and the magic is gone.
So what geek-out thing could you do together?
What new thing can you see?
What exciting thing can you participate in together?
Is there a show coming up?
I always love to tell people, you should know
everything cool coming to your town this weekend.
So if you want to ask your girlfriend or your friends
or your partner, your spouse, to that thing, you got it.
Listen, it's in the newspaper.
It's like here's everything happening cool in town.
Go do more stuff together.
And the connection deepens.
I would say the fourth big thing that you have to do
is that you have to share your personal growth
journey with others.
I mean, every week, what would it sound like
and what would it be like if you said to someone
hey, here's something I learned about myself this week.
Hey, here's the things I'm working on.
Hey you know, I've got this weakness over here
I'm trying to strengthen it up.
If you shared your growth journey with other people
instead of like feeling or trying to be
so perfect with other people, say, you know what?
I'm really struggling in this area.
But here's what I'm trying to do better at it.
Do you have any advice for me?
If you sought advice from other people
about your personal growth.
If you shared with other people,
what's the books you're reading?
What's the courses you're reading?
Share this video with them, share my podcast with them.
Share whatever you're consuming that's making you better.
Share that more and talk about it more.
Put the conversation of personal development
into your relationships and then those relationships
start to grow automatically because the discussion is there.
If the conversation of personal development
is always present in your relationship,
your relationship is always getting better.
If the conversation about personal development
is never in your relationship,
then your relationship will always be stagnant
cause you're not growing together.
But if you're growing together, you'll be happier together.
You'll be together longer and you will feel
more connected with the very important people in your life.
Relationships bring life to life.
So do a better job at 'em.
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