Hey there, how 'ya doing?
Today I'd like to bring your attention
to a topic that haunts me
I have no clue who had invented the Portuguese Pavement
but one thing I know
it was a man, I am sure, totally
and analiticaly and syntheticly and...
No woman in her right mind
would think doing entire sidewalks with a stone
that offers as much drive as vaseline on a sunny day
and that offers us a plunge to the floor on a rainy day
with the same strength and formality
as an ice figure skater missing the landing
of a triple toe loop striknohfait ninja
full-bodied
Even worst when we want to add that little touch of elegance and glamour
that only high heels shoes add to women clothing
If the world were just like a music video from Beyoncé...
And we know there are some high heels and then some other high heels, right?
With this heel, very rubbery and hefty and stuff...
there's a strong chance of survival to a walk on a Portuguese Pavement
There are worse inevitabilities in life
like being a councilman from the Left Wing Party
campaigning against real estate speculation in Lisbon
and then buying a building at an historical neighborhood
for 300 e something thousand Euros and trying to sell it for 5 millions
It's just not possible doing that and escaping the inevitability of resigning from office
This one here
in a moment of distraction while on the Portuguese Pavement
has a strong likelihood
of being transformed into a tool of impalement
medieval style
And what about
this stiletto here?
Stiletto is a fancy name for a needle
Now that I'm thinking, I wonder how
the mental retarded bullfight fans
never thought about using this as a spear
Better not to give them ideas...
Fact in life
trying to keep our dignity and elegance
while walking on a Portuguese Pavement wearing high heels
is as useless as
trying to keep our dignity and elegance
while shitting with the bathroom door open having people at home
Both are actions that once they've started
are out of our control
A sudden movement on the Portuguese Pavement
and we tumble epically
A more dramatic intestinal movement
and we release a fart louder than the
lift-off of the Space Shuttle at Cape Canaveral
We girls already with some experience on this problem
the high heels problem
We have a trick
When we encounter a Portuguese Pavement
we use the tarmac at the centre of the road for walking
It's wonderful
Unless the street is made of
parallelepiped stones
Just the word "parallelepipeds"
makes us have a cramp in the tongue and spitting ourselves
One can now understand
worse than facing a Portuguese Pavement wearing high heels
is facing a Smash-People-In-High-Heels street
streets with parallelepiped stones in the middle for the cars and
Portuguese Pavement on the side for the pedestrians
I used the word "People" because nowadays wearing high heels
is not exclusive only to the ladies
and crashes don't discriminate
Everybody goes down
On these streets we are then haunted [feminine]
or haunted [masculine]
by a deja vu from our past life
We know that one of two things will happen
We'll execute a backflip
if we slip on the Portuguese Pavement
The deja vu could have been from last week but saying past life sounds more remote
Or we'll delight the audience
with a blunt nose-dive
a spectacular manoeuvre that happens on the parallelepipeds
if a high heel gets trapped in the middle of the parallelepipeds
and we go
The conclusion is that the streets in Portugal
are planned by evil
sadistic men, with no fashion sense at all
who try to discourage the use of high heels
so we can look like gnomes wearing ballerina shoes
I speak for myself
because that's how I look wearing ballerinas
Thank you for watching until the end
Don't be shy
don't forget to comment
I like to read you and to reply to you as well
And don't be selfish by keeping this only to yourselves, ok?
This is life experience, it's supposed to be shared!
See you next time
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