USA news on Youtube Jul 24 2018

I don't even know where to start.

Hey everyone, I'm Joey and you are about to witness my quarter-life crisis

that I am currently going through.

So I'll just get right to it and introduce myself: I'm a writer, I am gay, and I have

a mental illness.

I'm cyclothymic, which is under the umbrella of bipolar disorder, but doesn't have the

same extremes as full-blown bipolar does.

Instead, it's kind of much milder, but still significant, episodes of depression and mania

that cycle a little bit quicker than normal bipolar episodes would.

I usually just end up saying bipolar because pretty much the only people who know what

cyclothymia is are the people who have it, and their doctors.

I'm not ashamed of any of this, or at least I'm not anymore.

Too many people are afraid to talk about the fact that they have a mental illness out of

a fear of being judged or viewed differently, and God knows that the only time we ever have

any discussion about any of this in this country is after a mass shooting, which only further

demonizes people who have mental illness.

Right now I'm going through a really rough period - it's making me question myself, my

future, and just my purpose in life right now.

Me and my boyfriend of almost 8 years just broke up.

I guess I should be grateful, because 8 years is basically decades in gay language, but

still, it's something that is not easy to deal with, and I really don't have any experience

with this before because this is really my first, and only, real relationship.

When I was younger, a lot of gay people, younger gay people, have these little - I mean, it's

everyone, you don't even have to be gay - you know, you have these little flings, you say,

"Oh, they're my boyfriend!

They're my girlfriend!" but, you know, you're really young, you have no idea what that means,

it lasts like 2 or 3 weeks and you think you're heartbroken after, you thought you were in

love, but you had no concept of what that really was.

Now, I do have that concept - now I do understand that.

And this is certainly something that I don't wish on anyone, and it is not a lot of fun.

When you spend that long solidifying the vision of your future that involves the two of you,

when suddenly that person is taken away from you, it's almost like your own future is shattered,

it's done, you have no idea what it's going to be.

It's not that I don't think I have a future, it's just that the future that I saw very

clearly before is now just shadowy, it's obscure.

I don't mean that I think it's necessarily going to be bleak, but it is certainly something

that I don't have any clear vision of right now, and that's a scary, scary thing.

This is hard enough on someone who doesn't struggle with mental illness - it's even harder

if you do, because a lot of people who do struggle with that have issues with self-harm

and tendencies toward self-harm.

I did, I thought I had gotten over that, ever since going on medication and going to a psychiatrist

for the last decade, but lately it's kind of rearing its ugly head again, and making

me realize that a lot of the things that I thought I'd moved on from I really just buried,

and all this stuff right now is bringing it out.

I'm not doing any of this for attention - I certainly do love to be in the spotlight,

I'll admit that, but I'm not trying to do this to complain, or even really to vent.

I really think that if someone, even one person, sees one of these, and is going through a

similar situation, has had a similar experience in life, is suffering or struggling with the

same kind of issues that I am, they can realize that they're not alone, that there are other

people who are going through the same thing, and that maybe, from just what I've learned

from my own experiences, I can help them learn how to cope with these kinds of problems,

and with these kinds of unfortunate things that happen in life.

So hopefully anyone who's watching this will see me heal over time, and I hope that you

can see the progress I make with all of this, and maybe you'll heal along with me.

And I promise I'll try not to cry on camera because I am a damn ugly crier.

So welcome to Joey's Quarter-Life Crisis, everyone.

Talk to you soon.

For more infomation >> Joey's Quarter-Life Crisis - Duration: 4:33.

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Hot Sauce, Ice Cubes, & Other Ways to Stop Cutting - Duration: 13:28.

Eat some nuclear-level hot sauce, it'll ease the pain!

In the wake of this breakup I'm starting to fall back into my old behaviors, or at least

I have the compulsion to, even if I don't act on it.

I have a history of self-harm - it's something that's not easily hidden, because you can

see that on my arms - I've gotten tattoos since then, to try to cover that up, and the

fact that I am so pale kind of helps with the scars fading, but I remember when they

were fresh.

I was a cutter, obviously.

I remember how my friends would draw attention to them - to the scars - but they never really

did much to get me to try to stop.

I don't blame them - I mean, to be honest, I probably wouldn't have stopped even if they

had tried to stop me.

But what was a cry for help really ended up getting me no help.

Even still I have the urge to cut when I go through certain situations or tough times.

It is a compulsive behavior, so it's something that I've always associated with alleviating

pain, which makes it something that I kind of immediately jump to, or at least think

about, as option #1 when I'm trying to deal with some sort of emotional issue or emotional

pain.

It's only recently that I started learning how to deal with this kind of pain in a healthier

way, a way that doesn't damage my body.

People cut for all sorts of reasons.

It is not for attention, no matter how much people want to say, "Oh, they're just a bunch

of emo kids."

It's not that.

Even if people aren't consciously aware of the reason they're doing it, there is an underlying

reason.

Some people cut because it releases endorphins - it's a response to the pain, which can alleviate

sadness or depression.

For me, at first at least, I felt so numb toward everything - toward life and the world

around me - that to cut myself and to hurt myself and to inflict pain on myself was a

way of feeling something, even if the feeling that I was having was a negative feeling - you

know, pain - it was better than feeling nothing, which is how I felt a lot of the time - total

apathy, total anhedonia - it was awful.

But then there's other reasons, too, that people do it.

I have a friend who said that she used to, when she would cut, she would make sure to

do kind of like X shapes in her arm when she did it, because she liked the way that when

the incisions - the lacerations - where they would meet would kind of split open like a

pair of lips or something and kind of weep blood, which sounds super graphic and really,

really dramatic probably to someone who doesn't have experience with this, but I think for

her, it was sort of like a metaphor, like a subconscious thing for her, where she felt

like she couldn't get out those tears or something, like she wanted to cry but it would not come

out, and to bleed was almost like a replacement for those tears - it was a symbolic way of

getting that out of her.

Now I've come to realize that for me, later on, it became and still is more of a form

of self-punishment.

I can count on one hand the number of times that I've been punished in my life or faced

repercussions for something I'd done - on one finger, even.

The fact that I never really had a whole lot of experience with punishment like that, which

is something that kids are supposed to have gone through, but I will admit that I was

fairly spoiled, it means that I never really learned how to deal with that.

So even at work, like a year ago, I got in real big trouble for something, and I had

no idea how to deal with that - it was a total shock to me, the concept that I was going

to have to face consequences in a very literal, undeniable, and visible way.

Granted, I really wasn't punished when I was a kid because I really didn't do a whole lot

that deserved punishment, but the things that I did that I should have been punished for,

I was just really good at getting away with stuff, and hiding the stuff that I was doing.

My parents were pretty lenient with me because my accomplishments and me doing well in school

and my creative projects and stuff always managed to kind of overshadow anything that

I did wrong, so they were willing to sort of turn a blind eye to certain things that

maybe I would have been better off getting spanked for.

So for me cutting eventually became a means of self-punishment - it was a way of getting

myself to face the consequences for things that I felt I had done wrong, that I was not

getting any sort of punishment for, no repercussions for.

I would harbor guilt for something that I did, even if it was something that wasn't

really major, like things that I had done to people in my life.

Recently I really ghosted someone, and I felt so bad about it that a normal person - I shouldn't

say normal person - a person not like me would probably just apologize to them, but then

I, instead, had this intense urge to punish myself for having done something that I thought

wronged someone else, and I guess I'm slightly too cowardly to go and apologize, or just

too proud.

You know, there are things that you do that don't have tangible consequences, and can't

have tangible consequences - you're not going to have your parents yelling at you for doing

something to a friend of yours, and you're not going to go to jail for it or something

- so when you feel like you deserve to face punishment or judgment for something that

you've done, and it's not coming to you, and it's almost like this cosmic thing that is

pending, you're like, "Okay, it's going to happen eventually, I might as well just do

it to myself," then that urge to inflict pain on yourself is a way of almost "paying your

dues" - you know, like rectifying the situation - and making sure that you go through what

you deserve, or feel that you deserve, even if you don't really deserve it.

And then after I felt like I had been punished for something that I did, then the idea - I

mean, not conscious, but subconsciously - was like, "Okay, I can move on now.

I can leave that in the past because it's done."

Except when I was cutting, and I did punish myself for something, I never really did move

on, because I continued to do it, and it's only more recently that I have learned how

to control that impulse, that compulsive behavior to inflict pain on yourself and to harm yourself.

So I've learned a couple of different things that you can do to try to replace self-harm

with something that still inflicts pain, but is not something that will actually damage

your body, that won't put you at risk for infection, or bleeding out, honestly.

Not all of them worked for me, but I know people who they did work for, so I'll tell

you what worked for me and what worked for other people.

So the first thing you can do is eat hot sauce - really, really, really hot sauce, like nuclear-level

hot sauce.

Maybe not ghost pepper-level, because then you'll just choke to death, but certainly

something that's real hot, like real, real hot.

That is an incredibly painful experience - you can just put a couple of drops on a piece

of bread or something and just eat it - and that burning in your mouth will last for a

while.

Really spicy food can actually create a sense of euphoria in people anyway, like the average

person, so this is just doing the same thing.

Granted, this only works if you don't really like hot sauce.

It didn't work for me, because I do like hot sauce, and I can tolerate a pretty high level

of spiciness, especially for a white guy.

The other thing you can do - I had a counselor who told me to do this once - is to hold ice

cubes.

That hurts a lot, probably worse than cutting does.

The thing with that is you probably could hurt yourself or freeze yourself with it if

you held it for too long, but I doubt you'd be able to hold it that long without it either

melting or you just throwing it out of your hand because it's too much.

But that does work because the pain from that is really, really extreme.

Another thing you can do is take rubber bands - you can just put a rubber band around your

arm and treat it like a bracelet, and just pull it back and snap - just snap it against

your wrist a couple of times.

That hurts.

It might leave some welts there, but you're not going to permanently injure yourself,

and those will go away - it's just that you'll have a little bit of redness for a little

while.

That did help me a lot.

Granted, people can still see that you're doing something to yourself if they do see

that you have these reddish lines across your arm from snapping rubber bands, but it's better

than actually cutting yourself.

If anyone else knows of any other things you can do to replace cutting with something that

is less harmful but still kind of has the same effect in terms of alleviating emotional

pain through the inflicting of physical pain, as bizarre as that sounds, please put it in

the comments, because I would really like to know, and I think that would be really

helpful for a lot of people, because I expended the list of things that I know how to do.

So if you're going to take anything away from this video, if you're someone who doesn't

cut or does not have a tendency toward self-harm, I'd like you to understand that there's a

whole host of reasons why people do cut or do harm themselves, and they're unique to

every person - no two people have the exact same reason.

Even if they're not consciously aware of what those reasons are or what's driving them,

it's still there no matter what, and it's not going to be the same as another person's.

It's also a cry for help but it is not a cry for attention purely for the sake of getting

attention.

They're trying to get someone to help them - you can see this, it's on your arm.

And if you are a cutter or have tendencies toward self-harm, please do not feel ashamed

that you are doing that, or have had a history of doing that.

Those scars on your body are a testament to the fact that you've been through some rough

stuff, and people may never really understand what that is, but you know that you came out

of it and you're still here.

If you can replace that behavior, though, with something healthy, and something that

will still make you feel better but won't damage your body, and won't leave these lasting

scars on you, then by all means, do it.

I strongly encourage that you find a way to replace that behavior with something that

is not destructive.

But if you find that you're unable to hold yourself back from doing it and you just can't

help it because you're in such a bad place, please reach out to someone around you who's

close to you, who you can rely on.

And if you don't have friends or family who are there to help you, then please, go to

a hospital, go to an emergency room.

It's better to have to sit in an ER for a couple of hours, as miserable as that might

be, than to do something that could end your life, really, or something that will just

make your mental state even worse.

And don't worry if you don't have insurance - hospitals have to see you anyway, they cannot

turn you away.

And a lot of the time they will help you sign up for some sort of public assistance like

Medicaid or something.

They're there to help you.

Do not be afraid to go just because you're afraid that you can't afford to, because your

life has no price.

Your life is invaluable.

Thank you everyone for watching - if you are looking for any additional resources, whether

it be on finding a provider or treatment, or help with affording your medications, or

even just general information on various psychiatric conditions or mental illnesses, please check

out all the links that I have in the description below.

And please, if you are going through a crisis, or you feel that you are at risk of hurting

yourself or even ending your own life, please, please, please do not hesitate to call or

go to one of the websites for one of the crisis hotlines for suicide prevention or domestic

violence, or anything.

Just reach out to someone, whether it be a total stranger, or your family or friends,

someone, because you're not alone, hang in there, you'll be okay, you'll get through

it.

So thanks everyone - talk to you soon.

For more infomation >> Hot Sauce, Ice Cubes, & Other Ways to Stop Cutting - Duration: 13:28.

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Out of Sight, Out of Mind - Duration: 11:56.

**You had your chance you blew it**

**Out of sight, out of mind**

**Shut your mouth, I just can't take it**

**Again and again and again and...**

So I had a video all planned

out to put up this time, except I decided I'm gonna go in a different direction today,

because I have something that's been on my mind and I really need to get it out of me.

So when you're going through something like a breakup you can really start to become very

insecure about yourself, especially if you already have a lot of insecurities - it can

easily get worse.

We talk a lot about confidence in your body as being a big issue right now, your own self-image,

and that's not the only type of insecurity you can have - you can also be very under-confident

about your own value to another human being.

You can consciously be aware of the fact that while you were in that relationship the other

person did truly love you, and you can acknowledge this and not deny that, but then after the

fact, when you don't have them anymore, you really start to question yourself about,

"Are they thinking about me?

Do they miss me?

Am I occupying their thoughts the way that they are occupying my thoughts?"

I do question a lot right now if I'm the one being obsessive, or if I'm the one who is

thinking way too much about this and really dwelling on it and ruminating on it and letting

it take over my life, especially since I've already had issues with being told that you're

crazy, or worrying that other people think that you're crazy, and you don't want to allow

yourself to become that archetypal "crazy ex."

(Granted, most people's exes don't go on YouTube right after and start spilling all of their

feelings to the whole world.)

(But if the boot fits, I suppose.)

I've become very afraid about being forgotten - not forgotten completely, obviously - but

I worry that I am going to be the subject of that whole, old cliché, "Out of sight,

out of mind."

You really start to wonder what place you had in that person's life before all this

happened, like what role you played, what importance you had to them, or to what degree

were you important in their life.

I know for me, I allowed much of my identity to be based on me being with my ex, and I

don't think that's necessarily a bad thing that I really allowed him to be my rock, you

know, he was the solid thing in my life that was not going anywhere.

I really want to believe that I was that, too, but then in this place right now, not

in a great emotional state, worrying a lot, stressing out a lot, I really start to doubt

myself and my own value.

The thing is that even when we were in a relationship, my ex isn't the type of person

who really expresses his feelings as freely as I do.

I was raised by a bunch of Italian-Americans, so my life is an open book -

Italians hide nothing.

("Hey, Joey Baggadonuts, how you feelin' today?")

("I feel like sh**, thanks for asking.")

("Go get me a cannoli.")

That's not me trying to criticize his character or anything by saying that he's not the type

to express himself or his feelings - I'm sure that his own family life shaped that the same

way that mine shaped my constant wearing of my heart on my sleeve.

The problem is that when you are in a position like I am where you already have these insecurities

and issues with your own self-image, then when that person doesn't express their feelings

to you about how much they miss you, or what you meant to them at the time and how they're

doing right now, you start to fill in that silence with your own insecurities.

You start to think, "Okay, well if they're not talking about it, then obviously they're

not thinking about me, either."

And again, I'm not trying to blame him, it's really not my place to be demanding that he

tell me how much he misses me, or how devastated he is without me, because that really is not

something that I should be putting on him and I acknowledge that.

But it doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel and I really need to

get this off my chest.

But I'm starting to realize and really trying to reflect on this, that by questioning what

my value was in that relationship and questioning if he's thinking about me, or if I'm just

the one who is being obsessive, and is thinking about this all the time and thinking about

how much I wish that we were, you know, in each other's lives again, I'm realizing that

I really am belittling myself by thinking that way.

If I keep doubting what I meant to someone else, then I really am just minimizing my

own presence in the lives of others, my own meaning in the lives of others, when I know

for a fact that I am important to some people, and that some people would miss me

if I wasn't around.

So, it's not fair to myself to be thinking about this that I am so meaningless to people

that I'm the only one who misses anyone else when they're not there.

I really am being self-deprecating when I start to think that I'm not worth being in

other people's thoughts.

Then this can start to turn into a kind of jealousy or resentment where you see pictures

of them online, or you're just imagining what they're doing right now, thinking, "Oh, they're

having so much fun without me, they're doing fine without me, they obviously aren't thinking

about me if they can do out and do this or that without me there and still have a good

time," but I really need to think about the fact and consider the fact that this kind

of happiness or being so carefree, or seeming like they're unhindered by their own grief

or anything like that, that that can be very superficial, and that it does not necessarily

mean that everything is as it seems.

My imagination tends to run wild - I am a really creative person - so I immediately

just start making up all these scenarios about how much fun he's having, what he's doing,

how great it is and how not great my experience is right now.

I start to invent that he's having this easy life and that mine is so, so hard that

it's just an imbalance of happiness.

Then I remember that I have feigned happiness so many times in my life when going through

depression, trying to hide the fact that I am going through issues that I don't want

to talk about with people, that why should I think that I'm the only one who's capable

of pretending that they're happy?

At the same time, you don't want to sit there and wish that they were not having fun without

you - you don't want to wish that their life is super difficult, and that they're struggling

with the same issues that you are - misery loves company - but that's not fair, either.

And by thinking that he's forgotten me, and that he's not missing me, or that I was not

valuable to him and had very little meaning compared to the meaning I assigned to him

in my life, that really belittles his feelings as well, and I would imagine it can be really

insulting if someone said to you, "You never really loved me," which by being worried about

this is essentially what I'm thinking.

My feelings are valid but his are just as valid as mine.

So anyone who's going through the same thing that I am, just remember that to be so worried

that they're not thinking about you or that you are not missed is really not fair to yourself.

You really are minimizing your own worth as a human being, and your own value in the world,

thinking that you're not worth anything in the life of one person - that can too easily

start expanding into you thinking that you're valuable to no one, and that is an awful, awful place

to be in.

I've been in that place before in the past, and it is not a good place to be.

It can really lead you into thinking that, "Oh, well if I'm so worthless, then the world

would just... nothing would change if I wasn't in it.

This also isn't fair to the other person, because you are essentially saying, "You never

really loved me, you've been lying to me, and you are not going through anything difficult,

that you are having a completely easy time, and you're having the time of your life without

me now that I'm not there to hold you back anymore," that's not right, you shouldn't

be doing that.

You really are telling them that their feelings aren't valid but yours are - and of course

your feelings are valid, but theirs are as well.

You both meant something to each other, and still do, and it may take a while for you

to move on and not assign the same utmost importance to them as you used to, but you

will get there eventually, and I hope that I get there eventually, and I think I will,

if I continue to get my feelings out and express myself and really reflect on what I'm going through.

You really start to think that you're the only one who's constantly reminded of the

other person - you know, a song comes on that was the song that you said you were going

to have as your wedding song.

(Don't worry, Carrie Underwood, I still love you.)

Or that you see photos of the past and it really brings up everything that you used

to feel about them and you realize that you are just not allowing yourself to let go.

Just remember: you are valuable, you're valuable to others, and you should value yourself as well.

And if you're really having doubts about that, and having a hard time believing that you

are worth something to others, please just reach out to your friends or your family and

just tell them how you're feeling about all of this, and you'll see that they will be

supportive, and they will let you know just what you mean to them, even if people don't

usually express this because they're just kind of reserved, or that's just not who they are.

If they see that you're going through this, I'm sure that they will tell you, you know,

you are important to me.

Just don't forget that - I think that's one of the most important things.

So if you liked this video and you found it helpful, please like it, or subscribe to my

channel, and if you're looking for any resources on finding help in a time of crisis, finding

a provider or treatment, if you are struggling with a mental illness or even if it's just

issues with just self-confidence and you need a counselor or therapy, help with affording

medication or getting insurance, or just general information on various mental illnesses or

psychiatric conditions, please just look at the links that I have in the description below.

And again, don't forget that you are valuable as a human being, emotionally to other people,

and you have a place in the world, you have a role that you play in others' lives, and

no one else can fill that role, and without you there will be no one who could really

replace you.

You're unique, and you are important.

So that's about it, guys.

I'll talk to you soon.

For more infomation >> Out of Sight, Out of Mind - Duration: 11:56.

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My Daily Chemical Romance - Duration: 15:00.

Hello, friends!

I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl.

Are you tired, run down, listless?

Do you poop out at parties?

Are you unpopular?

The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle.

So why don't you join the thousands of happy, peppy people and get a great big bottle of

Vitameatavegamin tomorrow - that's Vita-meata-vegamin.

So I've been on medication for about a decade now - it's right here - I got put on Lamictal

when I was 18.

I got lucky with this, because I feel like normally people have to try several different

medications before they find one that works for them, but this was the first one I tried

and it happened to work very well.

It has a 6-week titration period, so over the course of 6 weeks I had to gradually increase

the dose until it reached 300mg.

So once I reached that, then the effects started to really show, and they worked really well.

And I didn't really have, and still don't really have, any significant side effects.

I can tell when I don't take it, not because of any changes in my mood, but because I guess

my body has become somewhat physically dependent on it over the course of 10 years, so if I

take it either late in the day or don't take it one day, I feel almost hungover - it's

a really weird feeling, it's really distinct, it's like a dizziness, and colors look really

vivid, it's strange - it's a really weird, unpleasant feeling, so it's hard for me to

forget to take it, because the second I feel that I know, okay, well I should have taken

my medicine.

Oh, and let me just say: for those of you who aren't on medication, please don't ask

someone when they're angry if they've taken their meds.

It is the most annoying thing you could possibly be asked, ever.

If you're a girl and you were asked if you're on your period because you're angry, I'm sure

you can understand.

(No, I'm not pissed because I forgot to take my meds - I'm pissed because you're an asshole.)

But Lamictal stabilized me pretty well.

It keeps me closer to baseline in terms of my mood, but I still have moments of depression

or mania, they're just not nearly as extreme as they would have been if I weren't on anything at all.

Or at least it worked really well until my insurance stopped covering brand-name medication

and I had to switch over to the generic form, which is lamotrigine.

There's supposed to be no chemical difference between brand-name and generic medication,

but I can tell you from experience that there is a difference in quality sometimes, or at

least certain people maybe metabolize it differently or something, but the generic definitely didn't

work nearly as well, and it took a few weeks, if not a couple of months, of being on generic

before it really started to have an effect that was pretty close to what the brand-name was.

It wasn't instant, and it was a really rough transition because it was almost like I wasn't

on any medication at all for a little while, but I just had to stick with it because I

didn't have any choice - I can't afford to pay for brand-name medication with no insurance,

paying like $2,000 per refill, it's insane.

So right now I'm pretty good - it's not foolproof, and again I still have my off days, it's not

going to cure it - it just helps make the highs and the lows much less extreme.

So while it's nice to not suffer the kinds of depression and extreme highs that I used

to have, I can say that I definitely have harbored resentment toward being on medication

in the past.

It's hard to accept the fact that you need to take this chemical into your body every

day basically.

You start to think that your happiness is entirely dependent on taking a pill every

morning, and then you just feel like you are basically a slave to it, that it is your only

means of happiness, and that, without it, what are you?

Miserable.

You look around you and other people don't have to take something every day to function

properly - why me?

Why am I the one who has to pay money to make themselves feel better by taking in some synthesized

chemical, and they don't even always know how it works, they don't always know the mechanism

of it - they just know that it works, which is not always very reassuring, but you're

the one who has to do this, and the people around you don't.

There are also times where I almost miss feeling those kinds of extreme emotions again.

You know, I'm pretty stable for the most part now, and I feel happy and I still feel sad

or angry, but they're much tamer emotions than they used to be.

I don't feel things as strongly as I used to, and sometimes I almost wonder if I...

I don't always have a very strong reaction to things anymore, like a strong emotional reaction,

and I sometimes wonder if that's an effect of this leveling me out so well that something

that should make me elated, or something that should scare the crap out of me, or something

that should make me really angry or sad, doesn't always have any effect at all now - sometimes

I just don't feel anything toward it.

This isn't common, it's not frequent, but it does happen, and that does kind of make

me a little uncomfortable, but it leads you to sometimes miss those feelings that you

used to have - those raw, really primal, strong emotions that you are now denying yourself

by taking a pill every day.

I mean, in the long run it's obviously better for me to have a more level mood than to have

these giant mood swings, but you still miss what you felt like beforehand.

So there's actually a song by Evanescence, which is my favorite band ever, and I'm seeing

them this Tuesday and I am dying.

So if you subscribe to my Instagram, you will see me put up like a hundred videos of this

when I see them, and you'll see me, like, speaking in tongues and having a religious experience.

I love Amy Lee, she's like my personal hero.

I LOVE HER.

But anyway, she wrote a song called "Lithium," and it's about how you want to stay in love

with the sorrow that you used to have, that you feel, because it was all you knew, and

now you're giving it up because you know you want to be happy, and in the end it's better

to be happy than to hold on to this sadness, but it's something that you've always had

with you - to give it up is something that can be really, really difficult, and it becomes

somewhat easy to romanticize it, where you start thinking about this beautiful sadness

that you used to have.

And to someone who doesn't have depression or bipolar issues, it probably sounds ridiculous,

that you would want to be sad, but you find something about it that's almost beautiful,

like it almost sets you apart, like you were going through this experience that other people

aren't having, and that other people actively try to avoid.

You also start to think, you know, if I had these extreme emotions before I was put on

medication, then wasn't I born that way?

You know, I'm gay, I was born this way, and no one sits here trying to tell me that I

need to take some pill to fix that, so why is it that - you know, my emotions are part

of me, too, and the way I react to things, and I'm being told, "Well, you were born this

way, but you're defective.

So you need to take something in order to fix yourself."

And then you start to think, you know, isn't medicating me just telling me that in my purest

being, my truest form, being true to myself and what I was born as, that that person who

I really am deep down, just innately and naturally, that that person cannot possibly be allowed

to exist in society, because he's so dysfunctional, and that you need to be put on something and

take a pill every morning in order to properly function in society, to thrive and to be a

successful human being?

You almost feel like you're not your real self anymore, even if being your "real self"

was a painful experience, and this can be something that's very difficult to deal with

and accept.

But please, even if you hate the fact that you're on medication, do not stop taking it

without talking to your doctor first.

I've done that, and it is a mess.

I am on Wellbutrin for smoking cessation, and it's like a miracle drug, it's great.

I've been on that for 2 years, and I have no cravings, nothing - it's amazing, but I

decided that I was gonna stop taking it because I thought, "Oh, it's been so long, I'm obviously

not craving cigarettes anymore.

Why should I keep taking one extra chemical into my body?

It's not necessary."

So I stopped taking it, but the withdrawal was crazy, it was so bad.

It was like...

I felt like I was completely unmedicated, my mood was spiraling out of control, the

depression I went into was brutal, and I had to go back to my doctor to tell him what happened,

and he decided maybe it would be better if I just stayed on it indefinitely, which is

not a fun idea that I don't know when I'm going to be able to stop taking this, but

I'd rather pay the $5 copay a month, which I'm in the position that I can afford, than

to feel so miserable without it.

It's unfortunate that I've gotten to that place where I am, I guess, dependent on this,

because it's just one other thing I would prefer not to have in me, but it's just something

that I guess I have to accept.

But taking medication to alleviate these psychological problems, these emotional problems that I

have, is something that I am really learning to deal with and accept, and I'm starting

to think more about it now in terms of, like, this is allowing me to be my truest self.

The way that I am without it, the way I am naturally, is sort of almost self-defeating

- my emotions, how extreme they can be, it's really holding me back - it's like chains

that are keeping me from really blossoming, from being me, and while they are an intrinsic

part of me, they're also a part of me that is self-limiting, and really hold me back

from my full potential.

You know, my brain chemistry, while natural, it results in me hauling up in my room,

not wanting to see anyone, just being miserable, wanting to stay in bed, and just, you know,

want to crawl up and die.

You just feel terrible, and you don't even want to go out into the world.

And then when I was manic, I would be out acting totally out of control - all of your

discretion, and your reservations, your sense of safety, goes out the window.

Without medication I was withdrawn from the world around me, and then when I did immerse

myself in the world, I went way too hard.

And now I want to be a part of that world, and I want to associate with other people,

even if it means that I have to fill a prescription at CVS every month.

So for those of you who are on medication and are struggling to accept the fact that

you may need to take this for the rest of your life, potentially - it's hard to say

when you can stop taking this, if ever - if you are in that position, if you have a kind

of turbulent relationship with the fact that you are medicated, then just try to think

of it the way that I've started to think about it, which is that, you know, there's nothing

morally wrong with your natural being, your natural brain chemistry, that results in you

maybe having extreme emotions, that results in you being kind of sad, or angry, or imbalanced

- that's natural, and there's no moral judgment to be placed on that, but it can really limit

you and hold you back from really meeting all of the goals that you could have in life,

because you may not even allow yourself to have goals if you're so depressed - then even

if you do, you're probably not going to go out and try to accomplish them.

To be on medication to level you out, to help you feel happier - don't think of it as trying

to change who you are.

It's really trying to bring out who you can be.

Don't think of it as a denial of yourself - think of it as you really opening up to

your fullest potential.

You're really being you, and you're not being the you who is burdened and held back by the

limits of your own mind.

You know, maybe you won't have to be on it the rest of your life, and even if you do,

there's nothing wrong with that.

No one blames or shames a type-1 diabetic for having to take insulin every day.

No one sits there and places any moral judgment on that because they just say, "Okay, that's

this person's body, this person's body does not produce insulin properly, and they are

reliant on modern medicine to help them," and it's a beautiful thing that we live in

a day and age where you can address these kinds of biological problems.

Don't let anyone shame you for being on medication, and definitely don't shame yourself.

And please, if you want to make any changes to your meds or stop taking them, talk to

your doctor first.

It is a very, very bad idea to take matters like that into your own hands.

So ultimately, just try to remember that treatment is there to help you be you.

It's meant to help you live up to your fullest potential, and it's not meant to be a fix.

There is no fix - you don't need fixing.

There is no fixing you because you're not broken.

So if you liked this video, please like or subscribe to my channel, and you can check

out the links that I have in the description below - I have links to various websites that

will help you find treatment, or hotlines if you are in a time of crisis and you really

need to reach out and get help, there's also links for help with affording medication,

which can be a problem - I'm lucky that I have insurance, and that I don't have to worry

about that so much, but not everyone is in that position, and medication can be really,

really, really expensive, so if you are struggling with that, look in the description because

I do have links for that.

And if you're interested in seeing all the ridiculous videos I'm probably going to put

up of me freaking out over seeing Amy Lee from 500 feet away, you can follow me on Instagram

- the link is in the description as well.

So that's about it, and remember: there's no fix, because you're not broken.

I'll talk to you soon, guys.