I think one of the saddest reasons why people hesitate to have families of
their own is because they're frightened that they might turn out to be really
abusive or neglectful parents like their own parents were. And statistically
that's an incredibly valid fear. But I'm happy to say that today I've got two
things to offer you, that I really believe will give you insight into
whether or not you will become that parent. Hi. Welcome to my cozy little
corner of the internet. My name is Amy. My goal on this channel is to give you
motherly advice on building diverse families and improving adult child
family relationships. In today's video i'm gonna start off with a little story from
when I was a child - so probably nine, ten, eleven years old ...
collecting cactuses. And I loved them. They were just so strong and they had
this reputation for being so resilient. But I was a very bad mother to my
cactuses. I conducted a series of experiments on my cactuses over a couple
of years, and in the first round of experiments I just wanted to see them
survive. Just how well could you survive? And so I put them in really abusively
harsh conditions: Where they were exposed to the sun. Where they could not
access water - not even rain water. And I waited to be impressed by how well these
cactuses could survive. And my first round of experimentation was very
disappointing - because what I learned was cactuses are not magically immortal and
of course they all died eventually. And I very quickly lost my admiration for
resilience. It seemed to me, the ones that died quickest were the best off - and the
ones that took the longest to die just suffered the longest before they died.
So I moved on to round two of my experiments. For some reason I never
bothered testing what would happen if a cactus got rescued. There were plenty of
passers-by who could have rescued one and nurtured it and watered it and looked
after it. Never happened. So I never saw fit to try it myself. What I did decide
to try was: if I removed the cactuses from the really abusive environments
that I'd put them in, and I put them - not where they'd be cared for, but where ... just
somewhere else. Somewhere that they had a chance to look after themselves. So in a
place where they could access shade sometimes. In a place where they could
get a sprinkle of rainwater if it rained sometimes. And I watched and waited to
see where not these dead cactuses and dying cactuses could come back to
life, and be the cactuses that they had been destined to be. And this was my
second round of disappointment, because they didn't. They were shrivelled and
wrinkled. Some of them stayed dead. Some of them did seem to return to some
vestige of life. But they never blossomed. They never flowered. They never grew to
any impressive degree. They never became pretty. They became like, as spiny or more
spiny - and yet somehow couldn't seem to protect themselves from bugs and
caterpillars. In spite of all their thorns they would be so much more
susceptible to bug damage than other cactuses who hadn't been abused in the
first place. And so initially it was it was a dismal failure ... but then something
started to happen which was just the most magical and unexpected result that
a child could have ever imagined ... Because what does happen is they
many of them started to sprout new life. So there'd be these little tiny baby
cactuses coming off. And the babies were perfect.
these shrunken awful little parents produced these vibrantly healthy babies.
And the babies were green and strong and they grew and they flowered. And ... one
generation! Just one generation, from that to beautiful perfection. So here's what I
believe: If you lived the life of the abused cactus, then you have two choices.
One is you can go up with the historical majority and decide that you've suffered
pain long enough, and you can pass it down to the next generation. In Australia
that's known as shit rolls downhill. And it happens because what you do not
reject from your past, you are doomed to repeat in your future. It works like this:
When you decide it is okay to do something to a child, or withhold
something from a child ... just once, as a last resort during a complete crisis -
what you're going to find when the reality of parenting arrives, is a crisis
it's called Tuesday. Being on the brink of disaster as a parent is not actually
that rare. As a parent you're often going to hit that barrier where a child's
non-cooperation is going to cost you something you cannot afford. Being a
parent is a blessing but it can be really hard work.
Or you can go for option two: which is every time you get panicky or frustrated
or angry, you commit to being that cactus that pays the price for the next
generation, by sucking it up where it can't spill over onto your child. And
it's gonna be hard. And it's gonna hurt to hold it in. Sometimes it's gonna hurt
a lot. Your children will never understand it. Your partner won't either.
They won't appreciate it and they won't thank you. Your kids - when they grow up
and have children of their own and they start to get an idea of the everyday
intensity of parental frustration - they might think they do. But they will never
come close to understanding what it took for you not to fold and just ... In fact
your children will still find fault with every other flaw you have, and every
mistake you make. It's not that they won't recognise that you're a much
better parent than you had - it's just they won't care. But there is something
in this for you too. It's an unexpected bonus but it might just be the most
healing and amazing thing you ever have. As you build up these experiences of
paying the price internally, rather than passing it on to your child, what you
start to understand, to really know, is that every child deserves to be safe, to
feel safe, not to be harmed - including you! And trust me that is a gift that is
worth everything that it costs you to stay in control of your own actions. So
my little abused and neglected cactuses, what we damaged people have to do is we
have to minimize anything and everything that triggers any sort of memory of the
past. Plus we have to ensure we don't recreate the environment that we lived
in, and any other rotten stinking environment because there's a thousand
ways to abuse and neglect children other than whatever it is that you've
experienced. So here's my checklist of 12 things that you need to do to ensure
that the environment you create for your children isn't abusive and neglectful.
Number one: substance misuse has got to go. I don't care how many dope
smoking parents you know who don't abuse their children. You cannot take that risk.
Number two: lose potentially harmful habits, whether they are legal or not. And
yes I'm talking to the gamblers. You cannot afford to take that risk.
Number three: mental health issues - and we know you're more likely than most people
to have some. You need to seek actively treatment, therapy, medication, and you
don't ever get to give up on trying to seek treatment unless or until all of your
symptoms - which impact on other people - not just yourself, are under control. And
here's a bonus tip that I learned a little too late:
When you get to a point where you are strong and stable and fabulous, you need
to keep in mind that you're probably a functioning eggshell. And you do actually
need to keep treating yourself gently and be a lot more conservative in your
risk-taking, and have a line of supports lined up if or when when anything ever goes
wrong. Number four: for some reason I feel like I should say something about
looking after your physical health issues. I can't personally think of an
example where a parent's physical health caused real abuse or neglect to a child,
but by all means don't have a child for the purpose of looking after you. Number
five: are you affiliated with a culture or a religion which has abusive or neglectful
practices? You're going to have to find your way out or around before you have children.
You don't ever get to excuse what you do or don't do as a parent, based on who you
choose to surround yourself with and align yourself with. Number
six is you've got to lose your harmful relationships, abusive relationships,
toxic relationships, violent relationships. Any and all relationships
which have caused harm to you and have potential to cause harm to your child.
And bear in mind that the most common reason in my working experience why
children are removed from parents, is over domestic violence. Number seven: a
couple of these are gonna start to sound trivial to people who haven't lived your
life, but if you flinch when somebody uses a particular name or nickname to
you - whether it's a first or last name - it might be time to put your foot down or
even legally change it. You cannot afford to be triggered by a victim name. Number
eight: by the same token choose your parenting nickname with care. Would you
like to be known as mum or mummy or mumma or mama
or? Whatever it is, you need to make sure that you're not going to be triggered.
Here's a little snippet of trivia that you might find interesting that relates:
but whereas amongst my generation dads were preferring to be called dad
apparently the most common parental term that men prefer now is to be called
papa. Nine: the way that you label your household routines and furniture
falls into the exactly the same category. So if you grew up with a lounge you
might now have a couch. If you grew up with a living room you might now have a
lounge room. If you grew up talking about tea as being your main meal in the
evening, you're probably going to need to start labelling it dinner.
Number 10: I'm not advocating for this at all, but the fact is that a lot of
cosmetic surgery is done by people who are desperately trying to change or
erase a feature that reminds them when they look in the mirror of their abuser.
So non-surgical alternatives might be things like hair color, hair length, how
you wear makeup, what sort of style of clothes that you wear. I understand where
you're coming from. Number 11: you really do have to avoid
sounds and smells that set you off - and try to come up with alternative plans to
compensate for those where you can. So for example, I can't tolerate the smell
of coffee personally. So it means making tea available for people who desperately
want their dose of caffeine. If you have an aversion to a specific style of music,
then you need to communicate to that to your children quite young, and give them
alternative outlets. Number 12: if you experienced physical violence, you
will be provoked by anger, by frustration, by panic. But you never, ever get to hit.
Not a slap. Not a tap. Nothing. You can't afford it. And honestly that would never
be an effective solution anyway. There are so many gazillions of other
strategies that you can use on children that produce better results. If you're
still watching this video I hope it's because you found it useful, and if you
did I hope you'll consider sharing it with your brothers and sisters and other
people that you know who would also find it helpful. I'd also like you to vote in
the poll above then let me know what made you come to this video. The better
that I can know and understand the people who watch my videos, the better
I'm able to craft future videos to meet your needs. If you'd like to
#AskAMY a question, you can tweet me @Fortune8Family or suggest a topic in
the comments below. Or if you're seeking inspiration on how abused children
can grow up to do so much more than just change their own
families, I'm gonna link a video from Tony Robbins in the description below
explaining how he went on to feed millions of families every year. Please
remember to give this video a thumbs up and join us in the comments below to
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